Parenthood

All my life I've known I wanted to be a mom. In fact, while completing one of the requirements for my Masters Degree, I actually wrote a paper and marketing plan for myself AS a mother. The assignment was to figure out what we wanted most out of life (career wise) and come up with our plan to get to that point. I was in the process of changing careers, so this seemed like the perfect exercise to help me find my new direction.

I struggled for the first few weeks trying to figure out what my passion was going to point me toward...and came up with nothing. I finally set up a meeting with my Professor to get his assistance, and in discussion I realized that the reason I couldn't really find a profession that drove a passion in me was because what I really wanted was to be a mom. Not a working mom. A mom. My professor was great about it. He actually encouraged me to focus on that goal as the center of my project, coming up with a plan to prepare myself to be the best Mom I could be...and a marketing plan to sell myself as a fantastic mother. I got an A.

Interestingly, or maybe not so interestingly, I'm not a mom. Not even close. It's still something I desire...even dream of at times, but it's not something that I am.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a parent over the last few days/weeks. This weekend my niece and nephew were here with me...and I was made very aware of the patience and total devotion that children require. Not that it was ever a bad thing, or even an unwanted thing. I was just keenly aware of how little priority my life had in the scheme of things. It was about them. What to do, what to eat, where to go, what to teach them, what example to set, how to discipline them, how to show them love...how to be a parent. I only did it for a day and a half and I was exhausted! Part of that is due to my lack of familiarity with the ins and outs of the daily life of a 10 and 8 year old, but it's more than that.

There is something that changes in a person who is blessed with the opportunity to be a parent...whether they want to or not. If they choose to embrace the blessing of parenthood, they are forever changed. There is a certain mantle of responsibility that seems to settle in, giving them the ability to put the child before any of their own needs or desires. It's quite a miracle, really. We are selfish beings, seemingly pre-programmed to look out for ourselves, and then a child comes into the picture and suddenly the selfish desires take a back seat.

I'm not saying that parenthood brings on sainthood. Not every parent wears that mantle of responsibility as well as others, but the fact is...they wear it. The elements of self sacrifice for the good of the children continually astound me.

I often wonder how that mantle would sit on my shoulders. What kind of parent would I be? What does that sense of selfless adoration feel like?

I'm such a slacker!

I'm guessing that a single blog posting every 6 months does not actually COUNT as an official blog. Apparently I'm not any better at blogging than I am at keeping in touch with people. Sheesh.

Anyway, lots of news on my end. Biggest news...I'm moving back to Rhode Island. The time I spent working on this IT Project for Amica made me realize that I really enjoy IT and specifically Projects. As luck would have it, the IT department has agreed to bring me in as a Project Manager! Big changes for me, including a promotion and a relocation. I never thought I'd be able to leave Colorado, but I'm truly excited about the opportunity!

I love the people I work with in RI, and I truly love the job, so career wise it's a wonderful thing for me.

I also have some great friends in RI, so the pain of leaving my friends and family in CO is a little less sharp.

One of the biggest advantages to this move is the fact that it will be my last with Amica. I'm in RI for the long haul, which means I can finally put down some roots and feel like I'm settled.

I can't begin to express how sad I am to be leaving so many people that I love here in CO, and I think I'm in a bit of denial about how well we'll stay in contact. As noted previously, I'm horrible at maintaining communication, and I can't expect others to put in effort where I do not. I have fantasies of everyone coming out to visit, and I truly hope they do, but I'm aware of the reality that most will not. I don't know how to reconcile that reality in my head right now. I think I would be too sad to consciously accept it, so for now I'll live with the fantasy.

The cliches of change definitely apply...new chapter, adventure, blah, blah...and I feel all the positive elements of this move buoying me up on a daily basis. I'm a little worried for the day when the sad stuff takes over. I love Colorado. There are so many things I'm going to miss. So many people I'm going to ache for.

It seems silly, really. My challenge is that I have too many people and things that I love...everyone should be so challenged.